When I hear that song it just takes me back…

I wonder how many people can really hear a song, and it just take them back to a moment in time..bring back a long hidden memory stored in the deepest recesses of their mind. I certainly have them, while tonight I stumbled upon this old, well not really that old..collection of trance classics…like sandstorm, phat bass, and well..while I had heard these and loved them for quite sometime, when I had the incredible opportunity to visit LA in 2008, I visited one of the little outdoor malls, heard a little kiosk vendor playing the music and was pulled in…my souvenir from that day’s excursion was my Benny Benassi CD..so who goes to LA..and comes home with that?

one fabulous holiday, and many thoughts…

Honestly I don’t think you can really understand life, if you are never put in that situation..especially being young and with no known health problems..I wish that people would not look at the holidays as a chance to spoil their children, and even if they CAN give them everything…WHY would you want to do that —I want my children to work for everything,  I believe you respect it that much more

So I guess my question today would be..do you really want to hide your gifts…or are you ok with what you got ? What did you get?

 

Why can’t life be like your favorite movie?

In my case the movies that seem to stand out the most in my mind, Grease I & II –there was just something about that song “cool rider” for me…and then there was Romancing the Stone..While I guess if I were a shrink I would find some reason to explain why it is that I relate to these movies or well..not so much relate..but Idolize..Who wouldn’t right? I wrote my first best-seller when I was only 8 years old..ok that may be an exaggeration..to me it would of, could of been a best-seller…It really doesn’t matter so much now what it was about .. as it was just the simple fact that I have always wanted to be an author..to write…. to express my thoughts and feelings..there was a time when I felt like I was invincable..well then you grow up.

Then you start to second guess every single thing you do, every single action you take, every word you say…how and when I became so subconscious I just don’t know..but it happened..and it was the worst thing in the world that could of ever happened to me. It made me STOP–everything…made me second guess who I was, made me rethink my purpose here in this world.

I once thought my one great contribution was my children, I guess that is normal right? For a woman, a mom…why not think that..but now, I think maybe its the things I learned along the way..my kids will chart their own path..they are destined for their own greatness..but for me..it not about having the kids..its about what that experience taught me.

OK, you are asking well what did those movies have to do with any of this…well as in most cases, Grease to me was about a girl who was new to a school, and pretty naive …but yet still wanted the most popular boy..and in every right she was someone who deserved that boy..

In Romancing the Stone..its about a girl who lives in this fantasy world she created through the characters in her books, and then she is given the once in a life time chance to actually live out the lives of her characters..

Finding your way with facebook—

I have never been one to really rely on myspace, facebook, etc…I would get online here and there…but recently well I decided what can it hurt? I made myself a facebook page and then I found myself going multiple times a day to update my status. Then there were those drunken updates…Oh not a good thing…a little while later I have figured out that cursing out your old junior high friends doesn’t really give you the satisfaction one would expect.  What is the best revenge, showing how happy you are in life, well maybe that would work. But then why do I always feel like I am being one-upped by my sister in-law? The most self-centered, person I have ever come across in my life. Spoiled beyond rotten by my in-laws, they raise her kids, pay for anything and everything they need. This is such a polar opposite for me, while I was pregnant with my daughter at only the age of 20, I never expected my parents to raise my child. I worked full-time, had my own place, and did everything I needed to raise my child. It is very hard for me to understand how someone can be any different. His sister tells her parents how hard this or that is, and she has no money for groceries, but then…posts status updates on Facebook of her going out to eat sushi, or happy hour…and then still pretends to be this innocent single mom that has it so tough…please tell me how do you look the other way with someone like this in you life?

 

Is it really easier to forget than forgive?

I have never really believed myself to be one who hold’s a grudge, I am a peacekeeper my nature. I am the one trying to fix it when its broken, the one who has this deep seeded need to right all wrongs in the world. I let negativity consume me whole to the point of constant insomnia, irritable bowel disease and high blood pressure.

I will give someone the shirt off my back, I go out of my way to be friends even with people that I don’t really care too much for. Just for the sake of keeping the peace in the family. The past few years have found me at my lowest of lows, my life truly spiraled out of control. This is a very hard thing for me to speak of even now that I have found my way back. Having always been a true type A person, independent, and hard working. A few years back after suffering shingles, and a horrible custody battle, then losing my grandfather. It was just too much for even someone as strong as I am. Pain pills & depression just got the best of me. This wasn’t even the worst of it, a bad car accident then just months later at only 37 I was withering away to nothing, I had been sick for months, finally collapsing and being rushed to the ER. I had a fever so high I was suffering from delirium, they found I had a horrible case of MRSA throughout my blood. After being given several blood transfusions I was also told that I had a hole in my heart and my tricuspid valve was working properly, and would need open-heart surgery in a few days.

Laying there in the hospital I have never been so alone in my whole life, newly remarried, my husband and his family treated me like a drug addict who had overdosed. I wanted to spare my kids seeing me this way so I downplayed what was wrong, and just encouraged them to enjoy being with their dad. My parents made it to see me as often as they could, but they didn’t live very close.  My family is and always has been there for me. What is hard for me though, is I idolized this perception of what your in-laws should be, and how that family becomes your own. Now a year later, they act as if last year just never happened. I try so hard to just look past it, to just forget & forgive and move on. The painful memories of laying in that hospital bed day after day for over a month, with no visits, no cards, no calls…How does one just let that go?

Finding my muse…

As I was working on uploading some new pictures to my Facebook page today I was suddenly struck with a great idea. Why not use all of these old photo’s to help create story ideas. While everyone knows that in our hectic day to day lives we tend to forget all those wonderful memories. All of them just came rushing back to me, as I went through pictures of a trip to Roswell, NM and Venice Beach, CA.
Since I am just now starting to journal again as well, I am going to use these as sounding boards to “recreate” journal entries.
I have so many thoughts and so many ideas just oozing from the depths of my mind, and am quite excited to get started.
So look for many new posts to come –

Finding my muse…

As I was working on uploading some new pictures to my Facebook page today I was suddenly struck with a great idea. Why not use all of these old photo’s to help create story ideas. While everyone knows that in our hectic day to day lives we tend to forget all those wonderful memories. All of them just came rushing back to me, as I went through pictures of a trip to Roswell, NM and Venice Beach, CA.
Since I am just now starting to journal again as well, I am going to use these as sounding boards to “recreate” journal entries.
I have so many thoughts and so many ideas just oozing from the depths of my mind, and am quite excited to get started.
So look for many new posts to come –